Couples Therapy
Couples therapy: you are not the problem, the cycle is.
Most couples who come in are not short on love. They are stuck in a loop that neither of them can step out of alone, and by the time they sit down, both are usually tired from trying.
Is this for you?
If you recognize this, you are in the right place.
Couples rarely arrive because of one dramatic event. They arrive because the same moment keeps happening and they are tired of it.
The patterns I see most
- The same argument, in slightly different clothes, arriving every few weeks.
- One of you pushes for a conversation, the other goes quiet, and you both leave hurt.
- Roommates in a functioning household, with affection drifting further out of reach.
- A breach of trust you are trying to rebuild from, and no clear map for how.
- An in-law situation that has quietly become a third person in the marriage.
"At least let me see a male therapist."
I hear a version of this often, usually from the husband, usually half joking. It is not a joke to me, and it is one reason a lot of couples end up here.
In couples work I am not on anyone's side. Being even-handed means each of you will hear something you would rather not hear, from someone who is not keeping score. That is much easier to accept from a therapist who does not feel like the two of you plus an ally.
If what you actually need is individual work as well, we will talk about that openly rather than one of you quietly getting support on the side.
What we'll work on
The conversation underneath the argument.
We slow the cycle down far enough that both of you can see its shape. Then we look at what each of you is carrying into those moments, what you are protecting, and what you actually need.
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Communication that gets somewhere
Learning to say the hard thing without it becoming the same fight you have already had forty times, and to hear it without immediately preparing your defense.
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The cycle you get stuck in
Usually one of you moves toward the problem and one moves away from it. Neither position is wrong, and the loop runs itself once it starts. Naming it out loud is what makes it interruptible.
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Trust, betrayal and repair
Rebuilding after an affair or a breach, and the smaller disappointments that have quietly added up over years. Both are real, and both need to be said out loud before anything changes.
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In-laws, money, parenting and time
The practical surface where most recurring arguments live. These are rarely about the dishwasher. They are about respect, priorities and who gets to decide.
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Premarital work
The conversations most couples have after the wedding: money, family, sex, children, and what each of you expects the other to become. Better before than later. See premarital counseling.
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Discernment, when the answer is not obvious
Some couples genuinely do not know whether to stay. If that is where you are, we will look at it honestly rather than assuming the answer is yes.
How sessions work
Both of you in the room, every time.
The first session
The first session is usually the two of you together. I am not a referee and I am not there to decide who is right. I am there to slow the argument down far enough for both of you to see its shape without the heat of it in the room.
I will ask what brought you in, and then I will ask what each of you hopes would be different. Those two answers are often not the same, and the gap between them is usually where the work is.
How I work with the cycle
The way I work is informed by Internal Family Systems. The plain version is that each of you has parts that show up in the argument: the part that presses for an answer because silence registers as being left, and the part that goes flat because heat registers as danger. Both are protecting something real. Once you can both see them, the cycle stops being a character problem and becomes a pattern you can interrupt together.
I have been doing this work for over fourteen years, twelve of them at Redeemer Counseling Services in New York, most of that as a counselor and clinical supervisor training other therapists. A good part of that time was spent on exactly this: couples who understood their pattern perfectly and still could not step out of it on their own.
Individual sessions inside couples work
Occasionally it helps to speak with one of you alone, and I will only do that with a clear agreement up front about what stays private and what I will bring back to the room. I will not become one person's individual therapist inside a couples process.
If we meet one to one as part of couples work, I do not hold secrets between partners. Anything that affects the relationship may need to come into our joint sessions, and I will tell you before it does.
Practical shape
50 minutes, online, both of you on the call. Weekly at the start if you can manage it, because momentum matters more early on. Weekday daytime and evening times are available, and there are no weekend sessions.
- You can be in two different rooms, or on one sofa. Both work.
- PREPARE/ENRICH, the structured couples assessment, is available when you want a more mapped version of the work.
- Nothing you say is passed on to anyone outside the two of you, with the legal exceptions I explain at the start.
- If it turns out you need a different kind of help, I will tell you early rather than after six months of sessions.
Free self-check for men
Why Do I Keep Shutting Down?
Written for the man in the relationship, and worth reading together: plain questions about stress, withdrawal, shutdown, irritability, avoidance, pressure and communication.
Take it yourself, or send it to him, or read it side by side. A printable PDF. Free, private, no diagnosis, and one click to unsubscribe.
It's on the way
The self-check is heading to . If it hasn't arrived in a few minutes, check the spam folder, or take it now:
Download the self-check (PDF)Common questions
The things couples ask before they book.
My partner does not want to come. Can I start alone?
Yes, and it is a common way in. Individual work can shift a relationship even when only one person is doing it, and often a reluctant partner becomes willing once the pressure of being dragged in is gone. Some couples do need to be seen together for the pattern work to take hold, and I will say so if we reach that point.
Will you take one person's side?
No, and you will both probably feel slightly caught out at some point, which is usually a sign it is working. I am not neutral about everything: if someone is being treated badly, I will name it. I am neutral about who wins the argument.
Can we do this if we are not sure we want to stay together?
Yes, and it is better to say that out loud in the first session than to sit in it silently. I am not here to talk anyone into staying. Discernment work is honest work: we look at what is actually happening, and you both get to make a real decision rather than a tired one.
Wondering about cost, insurance or how long this takes? The fees page and the FAQ page answer all of that properly.
If one of you would rather start with individual work, the men's therapy page explains how that goes, and premarital counseling covers the season before marriage. For the pattern itself, read why couples keep having the same argument, and when you are ready, book the free 30-minute consultation.
Start with a conversation, not a commitment.
Thirty minutes on the phone or by video, free, with no obligation to book afterwards. It is the least expensive way to find out whether this will help.